


Up where we don't belong

by Snedlimpan



Category: Gentleman Jack (TV)
Genre: Determination (Undertale), Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Sorry guys, You know what that is? Growth, not a great fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-17 02:41:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21046961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snedlimpan/pseuds/Snedlimpan
Summary: Ann in Scotland, when she is standing outside and just gazes at the water. A true heartbreaking moment





	Up where we don't belong

**Author's Note:**

  * For [My girlfriend](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=My+girlfriend).

Ann Walker had been standing outside in the cold for a while now. She wasn’t aware over just how long, time seemed hopelessly irrelevant either way. But it must have been long now, because her mind and soul had drifted out of her body, she was no more that clump of human, but a spirit floating in the air. If she closed her eyes, the sensation of being weightless completely overcame her, up until the point where she was certain she would faint. Maybe that is exactly what she wanted too, tired as she was of being trapped up here, in the furthest corner of Scotland. Indeed, never had she been more distant from any form of civilisation. Sometimes she wanted to crawl up in the isolation, and other times scream as loud as she could. In her heart, Ann Walker knew that she would never find peace up here, while fighting off the restlessness building up inside.

I could do it again but properly this time, she thought to herself. When focusing, she could feel the wound she had inflicted upon her own wrist, the throbbing of the healing process. She sighed loudly for herself and closed her eyes, the face of the Woman flashing before her eyes. No, today wasn’t a good day to die on, and _She_ would certainly not have accepted it. And Ann cared very much of what _She_ thought. Either way, she knew she was being watched. If she turned around, she would see the face of her sister peeking out of the window. The sister would of course pretend otherwise, as if Ann didn’t know, as if she didn’t know Ann knew, she could feel her sister's gaze burning her back. She was indeed very tired of her surroundings.

At length, Ann admitted her defeat against the cold and walked back inside. Upon opening the front oak-door, the tantrum-screams of her nephew struck her ears. She did love her sister’s children, but whether she liked them or not, was a whole other question. Sighing again, she decided to grab her sketchbook and sit by the fire. Maybe even have a cup of tea. Of course, bringing the sketchbook wouldn’t lead to anything productive. It was merely an illusion. When Ann had finished her drawing of _The One Special Woman_ there wasn’t much inspiration left. Maybe a flower, she contemplated. Ann had always liked violets.

As time progressed, Ann’s hopes of being saved by _Her_ fainted, and one day she was sure that she would be stuck up here forever. Maybe it had been foolish of her to expect _Her_ to come, whom Ann had not treated kindly. In retrospect, there was many things Ann wished had been done differently. Good Lord, what a scrape she had put herself in. More so than before, she started to realise that her dream, her hope, her wish would never happen. It was pointless to try and stick your chin out, to try to be who you really were, in a society which did not look too kindly at different people. And with the reoccurring visits of Sir Alexander Mackenzie, Ann was wondering if she just shouldn’t give up and give in. Maybe the married life would turn out to be good. Of course, anything could be good in comparison to something else.

Ann voiced her ponderings about accepting Mackenzie to her sister. Elizabeth had always come with good advice, and she did understand Ann more than most did. To Ann’s great relief and dismay, Elizabeth had been strongly against the very thought of her sister getting married with him. Apparently, the man was both penniless and had an awful temperament. No, he would only take advantage of Ann in a way no one, except perhaps Ainsworth, had previously done. But as confused as to what she herself wanted; Ann found herself arguing _for_ a marriage. Although it was a lie, Ann knew exactly what she wanted, who she wanted. This was, however, something she couldn’t express out-loud. She knew it made her different from others, perhaps even a misfit.

There come times when Ann is certain that she is exposed, when she knows that the unspoken isn’t the unknown. When Elizabeth closed the door and told about the letter, the one she had gotten from _Her_; Ann knew that this was one of those moments. The sisters were more honest with each other than they had been for ages. Ann longed to see that letter, to see that thin and compressed handwriting again, and knowing beforehand it would be filled with affection. Hearing it had been destroyed made her cross. Really cross. She felt robbed of what was rightfully hers and was just about to accuse her sister of this deed when Elizabeth made her understand she wasn’t the one to blame. In fact, Elizabeth told her to go straight home, otherwise there wouldn’t be an escape. She would be stranded here, having either Captain Sutherland or Mackenzie’s watchful eye over her.

Ann Walker was sick and tired of people taking advantage of her. Foolish as she were, she had hoped for someone to keep her safe from the con-men. The past few weeks she grew aware that she would have to keep herself safe. Expecting someone else to be her hero, her guardian, have so far only been disappointing. With almost 30 years of waiting, it was foolish to go on. The time had come to woman-up and refuse to be an invalid anymore. Realising this, Ann became aware over just how much she had been poisoned, both by others and herself.

After sending for help, Ann’s anger and confidence grew. The bubbling secret of being up to no good thrilled her more than she would like to admit. The truth was that she had a plan of escape, and Captain Sutherland had no clue. Ann hoped the smug smile she felt on her face wasn’t too revealing. There was no doubt, if he knew, he would put an end to it. He was a force to be reckoned with, because when even her sister was afraid of him, Ann knew he wasn’t to be played with. She began to despise her brother-in-law, and it struck Ann that Elizabeth’s advice of “a good friendship is sometimes better than a marriage” perhaps wasn’t plain wisdom, but a lived experience. 

No wonder _She_ had given up on me, Ann thought, _she_ warned me of not letting them poison me. But her weakness had always been her family’s opinions and expectations of her. All these thoughts of pure spite against her family, made the poison drip off from her. A clear path forward opened, and it was clear as day what she had to do, Ann could only hope _She_ would forgive her and take her back. But she had to go and get her beloved Anne back.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not too proud over this one tbh, but I can't single out what I don't like about it so I can't fix it. I'm hoping insight will come by posting it, so I at least can learn from my mistakes


End file.
